I feel like I need to apologize to the whole world.

I feel like I need to go beyond simply confessing my sins to God - although that is the heart of what needs to be done. I feel like I have let everyone down.

What is it that I did that was so horrible? Something so ordinary, so expected so justified that it crippled my desire to follow. I failed to be the person I was designed to be.

God created me to communicate - it's the heart of my spiritual gifts. I connect with people when I talk, when I write, when I sing, when I pray. Somehow, God uses those abilities to channel His grace into the lives of readers and hearers. How does He do it? I don't know. I just know it happens.

But, I turned away from God and living the Gospel.

I suppose you could say I had reason to do so. I suppose. As a matter-of-fact, I said I had reason to turn away for years. "You should have seen what they did to me," I would say. Or, "They hurt me bad!" Or, "If you want a good argument against Christianity, just go to a church." Or, "How can I trust a God who allowed that to happen?"

The problem is, that deep inside, I knew that God had allowed those painful things to happen for His own reasons. But, I didn't like what those reasons meant about me, about my unfaithfulness, the choices I had made and the divine pruning I needed. No, it was easier, less embarrassing and less painful to simply hide behind excuses.

But, anytime you turn from God, you are going the wrong way. So, for years I have not had the benefit of being the vessel of God's grace. I have been the loser. And, for years people in my family and community and church have not had the benefit of experiencing God's expression of grace as it flows through my pen and voice and heart. I was faithless. I am guilty.

I have been as unprofitable as the servant who buried the one talent. Do you remember the parable? See Matthew 25:14-30.

The master gave to one servant five talents, to another he gave two talents and to a third he gave one talent. They were each expected to care for them as their own. Then he went away.

When he returned the one whom had been given five talents had doubled them. Now, there were ten and the master was very pleased. The second servant also doubled his entrustment. Now, he had four talents to present. But, the third servant had buried his one talent. When the master returned, he dug it up and handed it back to him - without any profit.

Why did he bury the one talent - especially when the other two servants both invested theirs and both doubled their returns? Who can say? I do know that the scriptures say that the master angrily called this servant lazy and ordered that he be cast "…outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

When I read this, I see myself. I know it was written about me. It was easier for me to turn away than to face my calling, to be pruned, to grow and to be profitable. I buried my talents - plural. Not just one, but many.

If it weren't for Grace, I wonder where I would be cast?

You might say, "That is just emotional sentimentality coming through."

Maybe but, I don't think so. You see, the Spirit of God - the Call of God - would not go away! If it were self-manufactured guilt, would not I have felt some ease of it over the years? Would not the call of God have quieted in my heart when I drew close to Him? Would not there have been a different theme coursing through my veins other than You are called and gifted to communicate the Gospel? Would not my heart have ceased its craving to be a steward of the Word and Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ?

No. I am the lazy, unprofitable servant. I am the one about whom this parable was written. I am the one who deserves the darkness, the aloneness, the rejection.

That is where I find myself in this middle age of life. I am far enough along to look back and see where my path has led. When I look from the peak that I stand upon, I can see in the far distance the peak that I had once hoped to stand atop.

And, as I stand here contemplating my failure, the amazing thing is that the presence of God is flooding my heart with hope and confirms the sweet, precious, love-soaked authenticity of the Grace of God. The amazing thing is that the Holy Spirit is quietly saying to me that there is still time. You can still be the person I made you to be. All is not lost. He is telling me that He can still use my failures to His benefit, that souls in despair can hear His story and fall on their knees and surrender to the God of the Universe and find their way home. He is telling me that my pen has not run dry of His Grace. He is telling me that there is a hungry and thirsty world seeking the Bread of Life and the Water that quenches their souls. And, He is saying if I am willing - I - me - it's my choice - if I am willing - I can be that light upon a hill shining in the darkness of the human condition. And, the Holy Spirit is whispering that He will draw closer than a brother, that Jesus my Lord will be glorified and that God, the Father will be pleased.

So, that is what I have chosen to do. I have surrendered my heart and voice and pen to the call of Jesus Christ. What else can I do?